where the fuck are the bagels?

so i wake up this morning and already have a slew of emails and subsequent issues to deal with and its only 6am. i went to bed at midnight, so how can these people do all this in six hours? anyhow i get going and am stressed but a large latte would only make me hyper and stressed and possibly excite my heart to the point of death, instead i opt to stress-eat and want a bagel, like STAT (my new friend is a nurse).

i think and think and think and cannot think of anyplace where i can pop in to get a bagel let alone a bagel cart! instead i got one of those "kettle cooked" donuts from starbucks which taste a lot like they were cooked in the same "kettle" as potato chips. awful.

so a brief list of things i deeply miss about nyc:

(5) cabs and car service: i hate driving. dont get me wrong, i LOVE my car, i just hate driving it because since i've been in LA my car tells me my avg speed is 13.2mph. moreover, i cant drink and drive. well i could technically i suppose, but i dont want to. too many stupid pedestrians. in nyc at least you could start off with two dirty martinis after work and end up on a bar crawl, lose everything and wake up with an empty pizza box, a hangover, no wallet and taxi receipt or car service call-in card!

(4) restaurants: sure there are great restaurants in LA too but i cant hop across the street to a le pain quotidient sunday mornings or get delivery from the good sushi restaurant 40 blocks away as long as i tip well. here? you have to drive there and THEN valet.

(3) soho: i just miss living there, the small gourmet garage, the character, the walkability and convenient lack of pizza availability after 11pm which makes you fat.

(2) food carts: ok i should specifically say bagel carts and nuts-4-nuts. although i will say i never appreciated the nuts-4-nuts carts on wall st across from my building (pictured) were more expensive than the carts in times square! damn gypsies. also, so many times i just want an orange or banana but cant walk to the street and hand over $0.50 (american) to get it. here i have to drive to the nearest starbucks and actually buy some of their food because its the closest quick food option and even that takes a good 30mins to drive but then make all sorts of turns due to turn restrictions and closed roads because of the fucking emmy's this weekend screwing up traffic at my office.

(1) public transport: notwithstanding (5) above the subways and (grudgingly) bus are amazing in terms of usefulness--except when you are trapped in one due to a blackout. i mean you can get from canal st to times square in 15mins and by the time to disembark you have new batteries for your remote, two dvds of movies you dont have to pay $13 (american) to see in the theater and possibly a bit more urine on your shoe than when you went into the subway.

ah, new york. PLUS there is no eatery here.

theres a hole in my thigh

so friday bem and i went with joe to this place on melrose for some foods of argentina--land of MARTHA ARGERICH (an idol). well wine there is like $3 (american)/glass so i filled up. then bem and i hit the abbey and HERE next door, and got suckered into paying $5 (american) at the door only to discover inside it was LESBIAN NIGHT. it was awful, not the fun "oh lets go to cubby hole since its easter" type of lesbian night either. and no cute bartenders like at the cubby hole. anywho, bem and i tire and walk back to watch some of the big brother feeds on showtime...

but on the walk back, we are crossing a side street perpendicular to santa monica at a cross-walk. well there is this mom-SUV that is sort of in the cross-walk trying to see traffic so she can turn into it you know? well i walk in front of the SUV while bem goes behind, and wouldnt you know it the bitch ran into me! like i was inches from her car when walking, and she let off the brake and rolled into me! HOW DARE HER! so of course i'm wasted and scream "OWWW! YOU HIT ME! YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR FUCKING CAR!"

patty (bem says she looked like a patty from HR out with the gals in weho) looks at me and starts screaming at me! of course i have no idea what she was saying since i was screaming over her.

"YOU BITCH! YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR!"

"WELL FUCK YOU! blah blah"

"NO, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MANSLAUGHTERER! YOU JUST HIT ME WITH YOUR FUCKING CAR!!!"

(this is all while i am walking still, away from her)

"blah blah"

"no FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING HOMOPHOBE, RUNNING GAYS OVER, YOURE LUCKY I DONT TAKE YOUR LICENSE NUMBER AND SUE YOUR ASS FOR RUNNING ME DOWN!"

"FUCK YOU" as she drives off.

it was pretty amusing, and of course i am fairly unscathed, i mean my pants did get dirty from the front bumper of her car.

but this rivaled the other two outbursts including the woman on chase manhattan plaza in those heady pre-9/11 days when she claims i sat "in" her food. and the other was this drunk ass woman on the UES outside a dartmouth mixer who started screaming at me while i was standing with g4 who was on the phone. it scared g4 who ran away from the scene.

yawn

i woke up today, less hungover than normal, and dreaded the thought of coming to work today. true, i normally feel a fair amount of suicidal tendencies when its 4am, but still. i dragged my butt down to my car to make the very easy drive downtown for a 515am bikram class. i am starting a challenge this week whereby i plan on going 22 times by september 1. now, its not as rigourous a programme as the typical challenge which is 26 classes in 30 days, but its close enough.

yesterday after watching the hours (so now ben knows all our references thereto) and big brother, and finishing 1.5bottles of wine (THANKS GUYS) i got home, showered all nice and headed to o bar to see the waiter that i like. i think he's good for a friend--because honestly, attractive waiters are a dime a dozen and i think "oh, he's cute....but he's a waiter. hmm, i'd probably have to pay for everything" so dating a waiter is, for me, not a possibility. i mean what would we do? WALK? anyhow, went to o bar, and some other guys came up and started talking with me, and this one guy got me going on arrested development so we had a RIOT of a time re-hashing scenes about buster.

it really is a great show.

and i told the waiter about what mother asked me last weekend. so the other weekend when the parents were here, we ate at o bar, because its just down the street from le casa. well the waiter, zach, was waiting on us and i knew him just from him having waited on me a handful of times before. WELL i thought he was a bit more eye-contacty than normal that night. fast forward a few days and mother and i are walking back from gelsons:

mom: so did you know that guy from the other night?
me: what night?
mom: when we were at dinner at o, something
me: no, why.
mom: well i thought you...knew him. there was just a lot of direct eye contact
me: MOM! no, he has just waited on me before

so that was weird. but at the end of the night (around 11pm) i walked down to get a few slices since i knew last night would be the last hurrah of treating my body like jacqueline treats her striped hot pants--ie HORRIBLY. got my slices, walked over to the abbey to get a cab back. what, did you think i was going to walk back?

give us your weak, your tired (keep the poor)

ok, what the fuck is up with the starbucks people in los angeles? so i have never subscribed to the brain washing of the franchise in their concept of naming the smallest drink a TALL and a medium a grande, which is really large in french is it? i go by the much more pedestrian coding system of: small/medium/large. simple, no?

WELL in nyc i was easily able to get away with it, and the barista/actor would convert my order which is usually a "large non-fat two-pump iced mocha" into a "venti non-fat two-pump mocha, whipped cream?" i was always impressed much like i am when i go to montreal and order a combo meal at wendy's and the checkout person speaks into the mic IN FRENCH. oh how much better my single combo tastes when processed IN FRENCH.

but the starbucks barista/actor, a french canadian s/he is not. and lately around these parts i have been getting ATTITUDE from them.

"large iced americano please"

"i'm sorry? LARGE? ummm...."

"yes, large"

"ok, ummm"

"THAT ONE" (pointing to cup)

"OH, a VENTI!!!! haaaa!!!"

another time:

"large iced americano please"

"ok, VENTI americano"

"thats all"

"you said VENTI right?"

"no, i said large."

"oh, haha, well a venti IS a large"

seriously, go fuck yourself, its 520AM and i am getting to work. JUST GIVE ME MY GODDAMN SHOTS OF ESPRESSO.