Friday, September 14, 2007

where the fuck are the bagels?

so i wake up this morning and already have a slew of emails and subsequent issues to deal with and its only 6am. i went to bed at midnight, so how can these people do all this in six hours? anyhow i get going and am stressed but a large latte would only make me hyper and stressed and possibly excite my heart to the point of death, instead i opt to stress-eat and want a bagel, like STAT (my new friend is a nurse).

i think and think and think and cannot think of anyplace where i can pop in to get a bagel let alone a bagel cart! instead i got one of those "kettle cooked" donuts from starbucks which taste a lot like they were cooked in the same "kettle" as potato chips. awful.

so a brief list of things i deeply miss about nyc:

(5) cabs and car service: i hate driving. dont get me wrong, i LOVE my car, i just hate driving it because since i've been in LA my car tells me my avg speed is 13.2mph. moreover, i cant drink and drive. well i could technically i suppose, but i dont want to. too many stupid pedestrians. in nyc at least you could start off with two dirty martinis after work and end up on a bar crawl, lose everything and wake up with an empty pizza box, a hangover, no wallet and taxi receipt or car service call-in card!

(4) restaurants: sure there are great restaurants in LA too but i cant hop across the street to a le pain quotidient sunday mornings or get delivery from the good sushi restaurant 40 blocks away as long as i tip well. here? you have to drive there and THEN valet.

(3) soho: i just miss living there, the small gourmet garage, the character, the walkability and convenient lack of pizza availability after 11pm which makes you fat.

(2) food carts: ok i should specifically say bagel carts and nuts-4-nuts. although i will say i never appreciated the nuts-4-nuts carts on wall st across from my building (pictured) were more expensive than the carts in times square! damn gypsies. also, so many times i just want an orange or banana but cant walk to the street and hand over $0.50 (american) to get it. here i have to drive to the nearest starbucks and actually buy some of their food because its the closest quick food option and even that takes a good 30mins to drive but then make all sorts of turns due to turn restrictions and closed roads because of the fucking emmy's this weekend screwing up traffic at my office.

(1) public transport: notwithstanding (5) above the subways and (grudgingly) bus are amazing in terms of usefulness--except when you are trapped in one due to a blackout. i mean you can get from canal st to times square in 15mins and by the time to disembark you have new batteries for your remote, two dvds of movies you dont have to pay $13 (american) to see in the theater and possibly a bit more urine on your shoe than when you went into the subway.

ah, new york. PLUS there is no eatery here.

Friday, August 10, 2007

theres a hole in my thigh

so friday bem and i went with joe to this place on melrose for some foods of argentina--land of MARTHA ARGERICH (an idol). well wine there is like $3 (american)/glass so i filled up. then bem and i hit the abbey and HERE next door, and got suckered into paying $5 (american) at the door only to discover inside it was LESBIAN NIGHT. it was awful, not the fun "oh lets go to cubby hole since its easter" type of lesbian night either. and no cute bartenders like at the cubby hole. anywho, bem and i tire and walk back to watch some of the big brother feeds on showtime...

but on the walk back, we are crossing a side street perpendicular to santa monica at a cross-walk. well there is this mom-SUV that is sort of in the cross-walk trying to see traffic so she can turn into it you know? well i walk in front of the SUV while bem goes behind, and wouldnt you know it the bitch ran into me! like i was inches from her car when walking, and she let off the brake and rolled into me! HOW DARE HER! so of course i'm wasted and scream "OWWW! YOU HIT ME! YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR FUCKING CAR!"

patty (bem says she looked like a patty from HR out with the gals in weho) looks at me and starts screaming at me! of course i have no idea what she was saying since i was screaming over her.


"WELL FUCK YOU! blah blah"


(this is all while i am walking still, away from her)

"blah blah"


"FUCK YOU" as she drives off.

it was pretty amusing, and of course i am fairly unscathed, i mean my pants did get dirty from the front bumper of her car.

but this rivaled the other two outbursts including the woman on chase manhattan plaza in those heady pre-9/11 days when she claims i sat "in" her food. and the other was this drunk ass woman on the UES outside a dartmouth mixer who started screaming at me while i was standing with g4 who was on the phone. it scared g4 who ran away from the scene.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


so i am sitting here at my desk whilst waiting for a high school friend who lives in the VALLEY to get her ass here to the bowl, so we may take in beethoven's 9th tonight. well when in my office i stream WQXR which is the classical station of the new york times, and each evening they have a programme called "symphony hall" which featured tonight among other works, schumann symphony no. 3 "the rhenish" symphony as performed by the san fran symphony and michael tilson thomas ("MTT"). funnily MTT is conducting tonight here at the bowl.

MORE funnily as the symphony ended, the dj says:

that was the third symphony by robert schumann, the rhenish. its sort of funny because just four years later he would throw himself into the rhein river in an attempted suicide, only to be later institutionalized where he would die only two years later. umm, maybe funny is the wrong word.

YOU THINK? anyhow, its more amusing because he was insane most likely due to the mercury poisoning he had as a result of being treated for syphillis--for which mercury was a common prescription in those days.

just thought you'd like to know. as for the picture? well who doesnt love a nicole kidman as she is about to whisper shout "DRIIIIVE."

Monday, July 30, 2007


i woke up today, less hungover than normal, and dreaded the thought of coming to work today. true, i normally feel a fair amount of suicidal tendencies when its 4am, but still. i dragged my butt down to my car to make the very easy drive downtown for a 515am bikram class. i am starting a challenge this week whereby i plan on going 22 times by september 1. now, its not as rigourous a programme as the typical challenge which is 26 classes in 30 days, but its close enough.

yesterday after watching the hours (so now ben knows all our references thereto) and big brother, and finishing 1.5bottles of wine (THANKS GUYS) i got home, showered all nice and headed to o bar to see the waiter that i like. i think he's good for a friend--because honestly, attractive waiters are a dime a dozen and i think "oh, he's cute....but he's a waiter. hmm, i'd probably have to pay for everything" so dating a waiter is, for me, not a possibility. i mean what would we do? WALK? anyhow, went to o bar, and some other guys came up and started talking with me, and this one guy got me going on arrested development so we had a RIOT of a time re-hashing scenes about buster.

it really is a great show.

and i told the waiter about what mother asked me last weekend. so the other weekend when the parents were here, we ate at o bar, because its just down the street from le casa. well the waiter, zach, was waiting on us and i knew him just from him having waited on me a handful of times before. WELL i thought he was a bit more eye-contacty than normal that night. fast forward a few days and mother and i are walking back from gelsons:

mom: so did you know that guy from the other night?
me: what night?
mom: when we were at dinner at o, something
me: no, why.
mom: well i thought you...knew him. there was just a lot of direct eye contact
me: MOM! no, he has just waited on me before

so that was weird. but at the end of the night (around 11pm) i walked down to get a few slices since i knew last night would be the last hurrah of treating my body like jacqueline treats her striped hot pants--ie HORRIBLY. got my slices, walked over to the abbey to get a cab back. what, did you think i was going to walk back?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

thats a shame

so #2 sends me a text this morning to let me know a casual friend of ours was hit by a car! the text read "oh, and barrett was hit by a car."

oh, OKAY. that clears it up. apparently he had a seizure walking on the street, fell, got hit. luckily he was out of the hospital after one evening--but still, how scary. incidentally this is the second friend of mine to be nailed by a car. the other guy i dated briefly, and he was hit and killed two months later. this is why i like subways.

today is a good day. i got in around 6am, headed up to rehearsal at 9 to listen a bit to the beethoven piano concerto that is being performed this evening, and i'm excited for it. plus i'll bring my parents for a bit of the concert tonight since their arrival into LA is imminent. what else i'll do with them is unclear, but i am headed to colorado on saturday for my 10yr HS reunion which should be amusing given that my four good high school friends are attending--including crazy vanessa.

those starbucks people i made fun of yesterday? well this morning after the rehearsal, i went to starbucks and after ordering i realised i forgot my wallet! i tried to cancel my order but the girl was like "oh no, thats ok, i rememebr you--just get us next time." that was nice but the line "-just get us next time" annoyed me, its like the guys on craigslist who are like "hit me back, brah."

speaking of craigslist--we can be sure padma and gail wouldnt approve.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

give us your weak, your tired (keep the poor)

ok, what the fuck is up with the starbucks people in los angeles? so i have never subscribed to the brain washing of the franchise in their concept of naming the smallest drink a TALL and a medium a grande, which is really large in french is it? i go by the much more pedestrian coding system of: small/medium/large. simple, no?

WELL in nyc i was easily able to get away with it, and the barista/actor would convert my order which is usually a "large non-fat two-pump iced mocha" into a "venti non-fat two-pump mocha, whipped cream?" i was always impressed much like i am when i go to montreal and order a combo meal at wendy's and the checkout person speaks into the mic IN FRENCH. oh how much better my single combo tastes when processed IN FRENCH.

but the starbucks barista/actor, a french canadian s/he is not. and lately around these parts i have been getting ATTITUDE from them.

"large iced americano please"

"i'm sorry? LARGE? ummm...."

"yes, large"

"ok, ummm"

"THAT ONE" (pointing to cup)

"OH, a VENTI!!!! haaaa!!!"

another time:

"large iced americano please"

"ok, VENTI americano"

"thats all"

"you said VENTI right?"

"no, i said large."

"oh, haha, well a venti IS a large"

seriously, go fuck yourself, its 520AM and i am getting to work. JUST GIVE ME MY GODDAMN SHOTS OF ESPRESSO.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

talk to the hand

yesterday was a very rough day at the professional thingy. meeting after meeting after metting left me completely exhausted by 5pm and at one point i truly feared that if someone gave me one more piece of information, my head might explode.

i even took a seat at reception in between meetings for a third part of a minute hence--and the receptionist asked "is everything ok?" because i was sort of staring blankly ahead trying to calm, organize and file my mental accordion file of notes. this is what happens when you have four meetings with no time scheduled between. oops!

finally, when i headed home around 7 or so, i kept my digits crossed that jacqueline wouldnt be home. alas, pulling into the parking garage i saw her car (a 1980's chevy cavalier convertible) and thought OH GREAT. luckily as i got out, and was closing my trunk i saw her step off the lift and was walking to her car.

"hi jacqueline"

"what? oh, hi hiii"

"how are you"

"hmm? oh, sorry, i am trying to prepare for my theater group which i am headed to"

"oh, ok, well have a good--"

"sorry, i REALLY need to prepare"

EWWW. ok, so its SMALL TALK, and if you were trying to prepare, you should have done that ALL DAY WHEN YOU WERE AT HOME NOT WORKING.

besides, if she is a bit underprepared, i'm sure james earl jones, al pacino and meryl streep wont mind--i mean it is such an important theater group, i'm sure.

other than that, i went to get my cleaning who charged me $3.25 per shirt to be DRY CLEANED and pressed. i have made my feelings on illegal aliens well know (YOU ARE ALL ILLEGAL TO ME) and jesus, you should be able to understand "wash and press" if you work in, you know, a LAUNDROMAT.